Ended my engagement again...

This time it feels permanent. He came home from visiting his sister and says he's done. She told him to break up with me and he decided that's best. He moved out, but his stuff is still here for now. While that's not what I want, and not fine with me, that's ok. I decided that I'll smile, wish him a good life, and move on. Then his sister starts attacking me on social media, calling me names and just well being her. How much pain does anyone really expect me to take? I lost everything, the man I was going to marry, the life I wanted, having someone who I loved and who loved me... that's ok. Life goes on and I'll come out stronger and better than before.

Edit: Jan 19, 2019

Have my nephew tonight, we had some fun He made me laugh, but he almost made me cry. I was talking to his dad about Tim and how I just don't understand what went wrong and why no one ever seems to want to love me. His dad said "Tim seemed to love you so much, he's stupid for listening to his family." And I was crying, well let's face it when I'm alone I cry too much... so anyways Larissa gave me a hug and I felt worse for crying in front of the kids. Larissa and Jordan went home and Aiden told me out of the blue "Don't worry Danielle. I love you. I will live with you so you're not lonely. I won't be your husband, but I'll be your stepson!" I told him thank you but Daddy would miss him too much, and he said "Well I know someone will love you as much as I do, but no one will ever love you more than I do." This from a little boy who almost never hugs, almost never says "I love you."

Some jumbled thoughts

Ok so I've not been active lately really. I check in a few times a day for a moment or 2 here and there and just don't have the energy to do much more. I do have some thoughts I need to record somewhere, preferably where my fiance can't or won't see them and as he's not into mara this seems like as good a place as any. Right now my life is falling apart, and has been for awhile. I'm trying to hold it together, and while I wait to make the hardest decisions everything I don't have a death grip on is falling apart even more. There's some positives though, and I need to make sure I remember them! Like how scared Tim was to drive the first time, but he bit the bullet and he did it. Everyone in my family was down on him for not having a license already and not knowing how to drive at all, but he grew up in a large city with public transportation and a license and car wasn't a necessity like it is here. Here there's no public transportation at all, not even a taxi cab or uber. So of course he didn't know how to drive, but he learned, he didn't have a single accident, and he got himself his license. I was so proud of him for that, and he was proud of himself. He still shows his license to all his friends, and I can see some of them thinking "big deal" but it is a big deal and it's a good thing. He wakes me up with a kiss in the morning, and goes to work. He works hard, and even though the hours and the 6-7 days a week is killing him he still goes to work. He makes time for me, even if it's not as much time as I'd like or need, and he makes sure he still does the little things that attracted me to him. He does different things than he did in the beginning, but they show his heart is in the right place. He told me once he was scared I'd say no when he asked me to marry him the first time. He whispered in my ear "I love you, marry me?" and I paused. There was absolute silence for a few moments, he said that it seemed to stretch into forever but it was really only a minute or 2 at the most. Then I clearly said, "Yes, I will marry you Tim." He told me that his heart didn't beat the whole time he waited for me to say yes or no. I love him, and I try to please him in every way I can. He worries he'll lose me to my soon to be ex husband, but he won't. As more time goes on I think he sees that though. I worry I'll lose him too. We're trying, and that's all we can do right now. We've had so many losses between us, his dad died, our baby was miscarried, my mom is dying, our oldest cat Cali (who was 14) died Sunday... I've had health issue after health issue, and now I have tumors that are growing scarily fast. He's terrified I'll die from it, meanwhile I'm getting more and more ummmmmmmmm grumpy we'll say, from the pain. We're trying. That's all we can do. I'm trying, that's all I can do. There's been so many major downs, but so many ups too. It's a roller coaster, and we're just hanging on for the ride at this point. I just need to get my thoughts organized some.