common beer-related problems

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

london riots - my take on it all

sad. just so sad. i live only a 5-10 minute walk from camden - it's my stamping ground - a place i know and love intimately - and to see it destroyed so soon after the devastation of the arson-attack on the market that almost brought camden town to it's knees is heartbreaking - for all the sympathy i have for 'our lost generation' i just can't find it in myself to understand this insanity - so much has been lost and so many people have been hurt and for what? nothing has been achieved. with our softly-softly approach the UK has sadly reaped what it has sown - and we find ourselves now with a pampered degenerate minority of youngsters trying to imitate the representative proportion of 'serious peaceful activists' - it's never gonna work cos these young people have no sense of purpose or of understanding so when they rebel and of course they will - they get it wrong - and why? they get it wrong because they don't know any different - the schools are scared of them - the authorities are scared of them and even their own parents are scared of them - these young people (most of whom who are capable decent youngsters) would and still could be just so very different if only our government hadn't passed complete 'nanny state' ludicrous laws that has now produced a generation of 'mess'. I have seen hundreds of friends all over london hurt and my own life has been destroyed - and i ask again? for what? y'know people often say that youngsters today think 'the world owes them a living' - well y'know what? maybe it does - if there were jobs for people to be doing then maybe just maybe they could be earning that living instead of having to loot for it. two muppet c's (cameron and clegg) could maybe work on that sometime. but hey i guess it don't real matter none to me - i lost everything because of it and now i'm just trawling round london helping clean up where i can and trying my best to forgive - to be honest i'm nothing but heartbroken

my thoughts are with you all - please take good care - johnny x

acceptance

he lies with a teardrop on his cheek
dripping down to fall on sodden sheets,
the hopelessness in his brain
overcomes him
as he lays alone and silently weeps,
voices and the pain screaming
the intensity of loss
burning hurt ripping through him
as the wind blows outside the window
moving the world forward
a world that he wants to see
a world that he wants to share
a world he knows he will no longer see
and the pain grips
intensifying with every breath.
and then stills.
as the hurt leaks weaker from his heart
he turns his head to the window
and stares at the moon,
swallowed up in its greatness
the extreme existence of earth
his mind follows his life
and wonders?
pondering the complexity that is living
acceptance overwhelms him
as he lays down his tired head
and gently closes his defeated eyes
against a world that never real knew what it was that he said.

********
copyright of this poem has been registered to myself so please do not copy and paste onto random blogs - many thanks - johnny