*LOL*

JOKES:


1."Honey," a man says to his wife, "I invited a friend over for dinner." "Are you crazy?" she screams. "The house is a mess, the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking!"
"I know all of that," he replies.
"Why invite him, then?" she asks.
The man answers,"The poor fool is thinking about getting married!"

2.A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

3.A man traveled from Chicago to Florida in order to prepare for a vacation with his wife. He arrives at the hotel and decides to send an e-mail to his wife's office, but didn't write down the address. Remembering as best he could he sent the message. He missed by one letter and sent the message to a preacher's wife who had just lost her husband. She glances at the e-mail, reads it and drops dead. The message says:
"Dear Honey, Everything is being prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Hope to see you soon. Your Loving Husband.
P.S. It sure is hot down here."

4.An Elf and an Orc talking to each other. The Elf says:
"Why are you orcs so dirty!?"
"We're not dirty! We wash every day!" answers the Orc." On the first day we wash our left hands. On the second day we wash our right hands. On the third day we wash our left leg. On the forth day we wash our right legs. On the fifth day we wash our faces. On the sixth day we wash our asses. And of the seventh day we change the water!"

5.A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one
for the road."

6.There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest. And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, I want a motercycle helmet. And he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female. And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet. And he got his wish.
The bear said, I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females. And he got his wish.
It was the rabbits turn, and he said, I wish that bear was I think I .

7.A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping.
She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it doesn???t take crap off anybody!"

8.A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures. That sailor notices that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
"How did you end up with the peg leg?" He asks.
"I was swept overboard and into a school of sharks," The pirate replies, "As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit off my leg."
"Wow!" Cried the sailor, "What about your hook?"
"Arrgh! An enemy hacked off my hand during a raid."
"Incredible! How'd you get the eye patch?"
"A seagull crapped in my eye."
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?"
"It was my first day with the hook."

9.A biker guy is sitting at a bar, sipping his beer. When along came this guy and sat next to him and said.
"Are you a real biker?"
In reply the biker says " All day I work on my bike. I ride with the guys. We do toys for tots run. So yes I think I am."
They sat there alone for a while. When the other man left another one sat down and asked the same question and got the same answer. Then this chick comes and sits next to him and asks him the same question. He tells her the sames answer and she said-
"Well I'm a lesbion. All day I think about women. When I eat I think about women. When I sleep I dream about women. When I shower I think about women. All day long, everything is about women."
He didn't say anything so after a while she gets up and leaves and a guys comes and sits in her spot and says
"are you a real biker?"
In reply the guy goes " I thought I was...but I just found out I'm a lesbion."

10.A father finds his son praying at night. 'God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta Grandpa.' The father finds this odd, but doesn't think too much of it. The next morning the grandfather dies. The father remembers the night before, but doesn't say anything. That night, the son prays, 'God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.' The father hopes that nothing happens to the grandmother. Sure enough, the next morning the grandmother dies. At this point the father gets really scared. That night, the son prays "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy". The father stays up all night long, frightened. Early in the morning he goes to the doctor to make sure everything is fine. When he comes home, his wife is waiting frantically in the driveway and yells "Honey, come quick! The milkman just dropped dead on the porch!"