You wanna laugh?

My favorite quotes from movies, comedians, and every day people who crack me up! You wanna be on here? Say something funny! Submit a crazy quote and tell me who said it. I might just add it on here with a little thanks from you.

Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
-Michael Scot, aka Steve Carell, The Office

I like parties, but I don't like pinatas. Pinatas show violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzaz, let's beat it with sticks. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake as I did.
-Demitri Martin

According to recent studies, they've found that the thing people fear most is speaking in front of crowds. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? That means that if you're going to a funeral you'd be better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
-Jerry Seinfeld

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. You see, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday'. I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
-Demitri Martin

I used to have a handle on life- then it broke.
-Anonymous

I was in a card store, and there were these cards that said 'Get Well Soon.' Forget that! Get well now!
-Demitri Martin

I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for a donut. I give you the money, you give me the donut- end of transaction. I cannot believe a situation where I'd have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend- "Hey man, don't think I didn't buy that donut. I've got the documentation right here."
-Mitch Hedberg

Funny? Funny how? Funny like a clown? Am I a clown to you, do I amuse you? Do I make you laugh?
-Joe Pesci, GoodFellas

If I saw an amputee being hung, I'd probably start shouting out letters.
-Demitri Martin

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures????
Anonymous

These two submitted by fuzzybud. Thanks fuzzy!

Hope I made you laugh! You wanna crack harder? Submit your own quotes right here, and if they made me laugh, they'll go straight on this blog with the credit from you!