Mischief-Making for Dummies: Pts. VI and VII

VI- The Marauder???s Map

Aha! The coup de grace! (If you don???t speak French, that means it???s pretty damn important.) The Marauders??? finest legacy, aside from the semi-eternal stench that follows Snivellus around. Priceless, especially since everyone thinks he???s just naturally repulsive, not that I???m disagreeing with that, or anything.

But anyway, this is the tool to much of our wrongdoing, and it would definitely come in handy for a newbie to the business.

Before we leave, one of us will plant this map in the ???Confiscated and Highly Dangerous??? drawer in the caretaker???s office. It will look like a nondescript bit of parchment, which is why it will be perfectly safe. If you should, for some reason, find yourself in this office, it???s advisable to let off a few Dungbombs for a distraction, and grab the map out of this very intriguing drawer.

Once you have the map in your possession, simply tap it with your wand and say ???I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.??? (Ingenious, huh? And most likely true, anyway.) It will yield, in my professional and most humble opinion, the most wicked awesome map of Hogwarts ever made.

It shows all the secret passageways that I have mentioned in the previous section, but that???s not all. (How much genius can one person have, you ask? Well, I feel obligated to give Prongs about one third of the credit, and Moony and Wormtail can split a fifth. But other than that, all mine.) Every person in Hogwarts???and Peeves, too???shows up where they are, at any given moment! Now is that not brilliant? (Chorus of adoring fans: Yes! Yes! We love you, Sirius! Music to my ears.)

Historical Note???This also came in handy for the whole stalking Evans thing.

And once you???re done with whatever it is you???re doing, tap it with your wand and say ???Mischief managed!??? It???ll go blank again.

VII- A Word from the Marauders

I figure that, since I said in the introduction that this book is Marauder-approved, I should probably get them to approve it. And they have most generously obliged.

Mr. Prongs wholeheartedly approves this handbook, and would like to add that he didn???t know Mr. Padfoot had a literate side. Also, he only accepted being Head Boy because Evans is Head Girl, and Mr. Padfoot knows that perfectly well. And I did NOT stalk her!

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Prongs, and believes that this handbook is a work of pure genius.

Mr. Padfoot (obviously, since he wrote the damn thing) approves this handbook, but disagrees with Mr. Wormtail because this handbook is so far beyond genius that there isn???t even a word to describe its sheer awesomeness. Mr. Prongs, with all due respect (i.e.???none), you lie like a dog. I would know, after all.

Mr. Moony grudgingly approves this handbook, and wonders why we???re referring to ourselves in third person.

Because it???s more dignified, dumbass.

I never thought I???d live to see the day when Wormtail calls Moony a dumbass.
Finally, someone had to! Woot! Go Wormtail!

Let???s keep this mature, gentlemen???.

Oh, shut up, Moony, you dumbass. (That is SO FUN!
Don???t we need to end this somehow?

THE END.

That is so juvenile, Wormtail.

Your mum is juvenile!

Your face is juvenile!

Mr. Prongs wishes there was a way for him to express his laughter on parchment (but he???s laughing his Nothing at all off).

Mr. Moony thinks Messrs. Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail have forgotten the hypothetical first year, who, hypothetically, could be reading this in years to come.

Fine.

Fine!

FINE!

Be that way, Moony.

I will, thanks.

THE END.

Mischief-Making for Dummies: Pt. III

III- April Fool???s Day

Finally, right? The thing you???ve all been waiting for? Well, if it wasn???t, it should???ve been. April Fool???s Day is practically my holiday???okay, all the Marauders??? holiday???and the mere fact that I am giving you advice should knock your figurative socks off. So, without further ado, the main part of the section! [Applause cue???.]

First Stage???Plot

A good time to perform this stage is during History of Magic; you might have to forego your nap, but it???s worth it, trust me. Simply relax, and let your mind (if you still have one) drift into the obscure, creative thoughts that form the basis of a good prank.

Since this is a handbook, I feel compelled to give you a cheesy example of each stage.

So, let???s say there???s this bloke named Johnny Jester. Johnny decides he needs an idea for a prank. He sits down and thinks hard for two hours, missing Quidditch practice and a date with his girlfriend in the process. Johnny Jester???s girlfriend later breaks up with him because of this, but that???s not the point.

After his two hours of thinking, Johnny Jester gets an idea. He will cover the Slytherins??? robes with flowers that can???t be removed unless they say ???I love you??? to a non-Slytherin, and mean it.

Second Stage??????The Impractical Joke???

After developing your plan, you may feel the urge to share it with someone. Do your best to suppress this urge. However, if you find that you need to tell someone, do not ask their opinion. They will invariably be critical of it, and claim that it will never work. Do not attempt to explain to them that the most unlikely plots have a tendency to succeed where the likely ones fail. They will not understand. Do not let their cynicism deter you. They are probably just jealous of your skills and creativity.

Johnny Jester, unlike you, does not have this handy-dandy instruction book. He tells his friend, Danny Doubter, about his plan to bedeck the Slytherins??? robes with flowers. (For the sake of interest, Danny Doubter is now dating Johnny Jester???s ex-girlfriend.) Danny Doubter expresses some problems he finds in Johnny???s plan. Johnny Jester is not the type of person that takes criticism well. He hexes Danny Doubter, and Danny Doubter spends the rest of the week in the Hospital Wing.

What Johnny Jester did to his friend Danny is perfectly acceptable, although I would suggest that you wipe their memory just enough that your victim doesn???t remember who hexed him. Now it is time for the fun to begin.

Third Stage???Prepare

This is one of the most vital stages in the prank, though not as gratifying as the actual pulling of it. If you mess this stage up, you???re screwed. In this stage, you investigate anything that you need to make your plan work, and also anything that would possibly make it fail. You also need to set up anything that needs special preparation. Once this step is complete, you are ready to put your plan into action.

After serving double detention for hexing Danny Doubter, Johnny Jester does some research. He finds out that six Slytherins are allergic to flowers, and since he wants this to be a purely harmless prank, he decides to turn their robes Gryffindor colors, and give them large sandwich boards that say ???Go Gryffindor!??? instead.

Next, Johnny Jester takes some books out of the library that have the spells he wants. Of course, he doesn???t read the books in the library, because that would make people laugh at him, and one thing necessary for a prankster is an excessively high self-esteem. He learns the spells, and practices them on his roommate, Gary Gullible. Johnny Jester is now ready to pull his prank.

Fourth Stage???Implementation

This stage is the one that gets all the glory, although it???s relatively easy. You perform the spell, and watch your hours of labor come to fruitfulness. Let???s skip to the example, shall we?

Johnny Jester acts on his plot the morning of April Fool???s Day, at breakfast. So, when he sees that all the Slytherins are present and accounted for, he casts the spell he looked up on them. The results are just as he planned so long ago on that day when he lost his seventh girlfriend of the year. The Slytherins were shocked to find themselves covered in flora and fauna, and even more shocked when Johnny Jester used a fake voice from his wand to tell them, loudly, what they had to do to remove them.

Johnny Jester found himself with a Slytherin girlfriend before the meal was over, who he dumped between Potions and DADA. Everything had been perfect.

Fifth Stage???Blame

The way you do this stage depends on your sense of integrity, or lack thereof. There are two choices: you can either take the blame and the glory for yourself, or you can assign blame to an unpopular classmate. The assignment of blame tends to backfire, though, because people believe your genius belongs to that person, and they suddenly find themselves popular. Now back to our friend Johnny.

Johnny Jester???s teacher asks Johnny if he made the Slytherins??? robes go flowery. Johnny Jester brags that he did, making sure everyone can hear him. Johnny gets a week of detention and is beaten up by a Slytherin seventh year, but he becomes very popular. He also gets a new girlfriend???a Gryffindor this time. Johnny Jester lives happily ever after.

It???s not that hard, see? But if you???re so unimaginative that you can???t even start your own thought process, here???s some ideas.

1. Write anonymous love letters to a teacher of your choice???.in another teacher???s handwriting.
2. Switch the labels of the boys??? and girls??? toilets.
3. Find out the Slytherins??? password and redecorate their common room in varying shades of pink. Extra points for glitter.
4. Perform the Bad Hair Day Curse on all your enemies (i.e.- all the Slytherins). Unless they are like James Potter, in which case such a curse would go generally unnoticed.
5. Bewitch a large army of chickens to invade the castle and peck the teachers until they agree never to eat chicken again. Enforce this promise at every opportunity.

If that doesn???t give you an inkling of an idea, you may as well put this book down now, because nothing can possibly help you if I can???t. Remember that when you get Career Counseling, and you might want to go for Pastry Chef instead of Comedian.