My Further Ramblings

I don't really know what this post is yet but whatever I turn it into. I would like to say this isn't anything aimed at ownership or staff of this website. I think what I do express will be the way I have felt for a while and I think being able to express those feelings is important and I kept it to blogs so I can use it without it being seen a lot.
I think I want to start off by just being a bit honest, this site was always just an escape for me. As I think it is for many but people seem scared to admit it as if it is some sort of weakness. I think anyone who acts like they are perfect is probably also someone hurting the most. For me originally I enjoyed many aspects of this site but it soon turned negative in my life. I no longer come on this site for fun but out of fear of it being a necessity. It filled a slight social gap in my life when I was between things and so that became what it was for me, which is why I stopped putting effort into my account because it felt pointless for me.
Now I know others use the site for similar reasons and also felt that sort of lack of desire to put in the time to build accounts, but also there is a negative aspect to it all. But that is the unfortunate thing, marapets went from being a game to me to being a mental prison. It went from being a fun place to being a place I dreaded being because I knew it was a sign of my own suffering and misery. Now I know not everyone is like that here but there are more like it than would care to admit. We all use mara for our own reasons and at the end of the day they are all valid. I just believe that there is a difference between being addicted and being dependent and for me thats what I tried to fix for so long with my self bans but it never worked because I wouldnt focus on my issues in real life and Id just find another crutch.
Mara has lost the positivity it once had for me, the only thing that keeps me here is the people I have met and I showed as much appreciation for them as I could but I also feel like some might be in the same position as I am and that we are both indirectly keeping each other here and it just upsets me now. This site will probably always be a part of me for better or for worse and I will live with that. I just hope that other people who needed to realise that everyone is here nearly for the same reason. To escape some sort of pain in their life or to make up for something that is missing and it is okay to feel that way.
I am not too sure what else to put in this because it is kind of just long and block text but I feel like I needed to say this at some point.