This is sooooooooooooooo funny!

Give The Credit To Dolphinblue for writing this

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The Not-So-Helpful Help Guide
[A SATIRE]
By Dolphinblue
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Note: If you're seriously looking for help, DO NOT, follow this guide. I repeat do NOT follow this guide. For everyone else who hasn't read this, because I know someone will just skip over this, READ IT NEXT TIME. Now, for everyone else this is just in good humor and fun. No hard feelings.
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"How do I earn mp?"

Go to college and learn how to count. Then, take a separate class in psychology. Then, pretend like you're poor and everyone will feel sorry for you.

"How do I get clothes and how do I wear them?"

Act like you have them and everyone will feel sorry for you and give them to you of course! Why would you want to wear them? Sell them of course! You'll be making a good profit off that poor generous soul. You'd never think of going to your inventory and using them, of course. No. That's too difficult.

"How do I get eggs?"

Well, when a mommy bird and a daddy bird love each other very much...

They purchase them from the Ol' Stork in Ziranek.

"How do I change the way my font looks?"

Turn your head to the left and look ???here???. All done.

"Can you join my club? Can anyone?"

Only if you join -my- club.

"What are MP?"

They stand for 'MY POINTS'.

"What are BP?"

They stand for 'BAD POINTS'.

"What are RP?"

They stand for 'RUBBISH POINTS'.

"Can u give me all ur mp?!!! Plz?!!! We'll be BFF and I can talk 2 u lyk every 5 seconds lyk everyday!"

Sure. What a great idea. I can give you all the money I've put my sweat and blood into earning, so that you, some random person I have never seen in my life, can take it from me and not have to do a -thing- to earn it. Sure! I've never tried to be an idiot before.

"How do I get my pets different colours?"

Green~ Sicken them with food. Yes, food. Too much food.
White~ Yell at the screen, they should frighten easily.
Yellow~ Erm... Tell them to hold it in.
Red~ Taunt them, make fun of them. That should get them into a fit.
Blue~ Throw ice cubes around them.
Black~ Smoke 'em and smoke 'em good.
Pink~ Compliment them, make them swoon. Make 'em blush.
Orange~ Feed them carrots.

"Where do you get minipets?"

Find a pair of pets and meet them at the nursery.

"How do my pets gain Charisma?"

Tell them they need to join a club or get social.

"How do my pets gain Magic?"

Sign them up at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

"How do I get a Love Dress?"

Take a stamp... then, take a white shirt and white skirt. Tape them together. Cut out the stamp so that it looks like a heart. Then, stamp the dress like crazy. You got a dress with hearts.

"Can we trade RP/BP?"

Why would you want to do that? They're both worthless rubish and bad points; and wouldn't you rather want to be like everyone else and beg for it?

"How do we get images on our profile?"

Type the image you want into your profile and wish for it to appear.

"Can I be staff?"

Can you not be staff? Your mind control powers are overwhelming me.

"I LOVE HELPING! IF ANY NEWBIES NEED HELP PLEASE MAIL ME! I WILL GIVE U CLOTHES AND EVERYTHING!!!!!
DO YOU NEED HELP?"

Heh... 20 bucks says you've read this and put it on a gold platter:
"You can win a nice shiny medal for your profile by helping other players, being nice and friendly and following the forum rules."

"Can we sell our pets or trade them for items?"

Hm... can I sell you? I bet you would be worth at least a few thousand mp or so.

"How do I get an upgrade?"

By begging your parents for one.

"How do I become popular?"

By taking a popularity test in an overrated pop culture magazine.

"Where is the University?"

I thought you -went- to college. How the heck did you go to that Psychology class?

"How do I add stats my pet?"

Give them rare candies.

"Can I have your pets?"

Sure! They're wearing the new invisible costumes so they may be hard to see. You have a choice between Cholee, Michaelsun, and Bobbybrown.

"Why are some items so expensive?"

Because people are pigs and hog them in bunches. Oink oink.

"How old are you?"

Do I really exist?

"How do I get people to post on my topics?"

Act like an airhead and start spamming and annoying people. That ought to get some... attention...

"How do I get a boyfriend/girlfriend on this site?"

Ah, you're a funny one, my dear.
...
...
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Oh. You're not joking?
...
...
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So...
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You're serious then?
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...
Buy them off Ebay... there should be a scam or two waiting for you.

"Will you go out with me?"

Do I know you? Who sent you? They're after me aren't they?! I did nothing! Nothing of the sort! No! It's not my fault I like shiny things... I-I-I couldn't resist. The temptation was just too great. I didn't mean to! YOU'RE AFTER ME! LEAVE ME ALONE! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! GO AWAY!

"How do I get LE pets?"

Poke your pets and wish on every star you can find.

"How can I get war points?"

Make friends with your leafy green Bushes.

"Someone scammed me, what do I do?"

Run in circles and yell 'OMG! OMG! OMG!' Then hope someone else noticed your misfortune.

"What do you do with crystals?"

Hoard them and make diamonds.

"My pet isn't happy, why?"

I wouldn't be happy either...

"Well, how can I make it happy?"

Stare at it for 20 minutes straight.

"Where do I get a haircut?"

You're just in luck, I have a pair of scissors on me.

"Can I join the adult forum even though I am not 18?"

Do you want to be old that badly?

"Where is the plastic surgery place?"

Sign up at 'Pimp my Doll'.

"I am poor! Help?!"

0mg, w3'r3 lyk3. T0t@lly tw1n$, numb3r 1! U c@n b3 lyk3 my b3$t fr13nd???

"I need a club layout can you make one for me?"

As soon as I rule the world... it may take some time though. The ferrets have gained some power and it is up to me, the MASTER, to control them. Silly little dinkies, aren't they? Hrm... or I may just make it a gerbil army... Razor sharp teeth do look awfully good in the anti-rule book.

"Can we get rid of the ads here?"

No, they're supposed to finish annoying you first... and they don't feel like finishing any time soon.

"What do I do with a dentist ticket?"

GO TO THE DENTIST! They gave you it because you need it. That's why the muffin man invented braces.

"Where's the circus?"

You're in it. *hands you a red nose*

"OMG I'VE BEEN BANNED FOR NO REASON!"

OOOOOOOH NOOOOOO! Quick! Call the fire department, call the ambulence! DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?! PLEASE! A MEMBER IS IN DESPERATE NEED OF ATTENTION! What do you expect the lass to do? Start over from the beginning? HECK NO! THAT'S NEVER AN OPTION, THEY'RE TOO IMPORTANT FOR THAT!

"Am I allowed to buy pets from someone?"

Can I buy your toe?
No? Perhaps your elbow?

"Why do so many people hate Miley Cyrus?"

It's called rebellion. Look it up in the dictionary.

"Why do so many people love Miley Cyrus?"

You've got me.



"Are you a boy or a girl?"

I'm an "it". White pearly skin, dark locks, super-sized bug eyes, high-pitched voice, and gigantic red lips. The only thing missing is Macaulay Culkin.

"Hey are you quitting? Can I have your items and mp?"

Are you planning my deathday?! MURDERER!

"MY CLOTHES DO NOT FIT MY CHARACTER! WHY?!"

*points at Ronald McDonald*

"What is SPAM?"

It stands for: 'Stupid People After Me'

"What is ROTM?"

Random Oddball This Month.

"What is DOTM?"

Dorkwad Ostracized This Month.

"What is POTM?"

Person Obviously Too Moronic

"What is MOTM?"

Majorly Overboard Twit Member

"What is NTY?"

Naughty Thing, You

"What is TYVM?"

That's Your Vanity, Moron