Update on alters/my mental health 💙

For anyone interested
Because spreading awareness of DID is important


I decided to undergo TMS a second time, transcranial magnetic stimulation. I am really lucky to have a wonderful psychiatrist who has been helping me for almost ten years now. The process involved going in office every day for a couple months+. It was exhausting!

I also started going to school again at this time so my brain was fried

Some time after finishing treatment, the trauma I went through all came crashing back. The thought of my alters became very triggering and less a comfort as my brain processed. So I took a break from this website. Making dolls for different alters moods had been very therapeutic, but I couldnt handle seeing them all at once.

It took me months to work through these new feelings. . . and a new medication, some bed rest, lots of processing. All the while keeping up with my sister and my boyfriend as a semi-agoraphobic socially anxious ball of nerves.
And in those months, a lot about my brain structure seems to have changed!

The trauma crashing together felt like my alters taking those mental barriers/walls down and sharing the memories with each other. thats why it was so awful at first. And Ive had some dark moments. Luckily I had support

I think the TMS combined with about a decade of talk therapy and my efforts catalyzed all of this. I no longer want to feel so separate. Before, it was a safe feeling. Because it meant things that would happen, theyd happen to someone else, someone who could handle them. But that someone is me.

Sometimes my brain still defaults to coping in this way, and I forgive myself completely for that. It was a way I got through a really hard life, and has been the way I am ever since I can remember.
But lately, most of the time, I feel like me. Like all of them at once. Its really hard to explain in a way thats not reductive to my prior experience. Figuring out DID is so hard at first. Amnesia is a huge part of it.
And since TMS, my memory has gotten a lot less painful. Whole, complete, accepted.

Im finishing out my healing.
I cant say Ill never experience this coping mechanism again. I did have one traumatic event that felt like I was falling apart again. But I was able to pick up the pieces and continue.

Could call it integration I suppose!

For now Im very happy with where Im at!
And Im learning programming.

The end.