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awesome34
  1. Soo I'm writing a story, ya know.
    27th Mar 2014 08:20
    10 years & 8 months ago
Soo I'm writing a story, ya know.
10 years & 8 months ago
27th Mar 2014 08:20

Tell me if you like it?
_____

Tennessee is such a beautiful place in the winter. Eagleville was home. It was small, about seven hundred people. You can???t find it on a map. You???ll drive straight through it before you realize you???re there. Home to me has always been somewhere you love. Home is where your family is and grows. Eagleville is home to me, my beautiful daughter, and my wonderful husband.
October rolled through and in came the cold, dark days of winter. Brent had gone to get firewood and Emily was on her way home from school. Being sixteen, she thought she was on top of the world. She had a boyfriend, a car, a job, and always a full tank of gas. She was my baby, though. She???s on the honor roll, in beta club, member of the national honor society, and the head cheerleader. Her high school experience was perfect. She always has followed in my footsteps.
Things in our family have always been perfect. Brent has remained faithful for nineteen years now. We got married at eighteen. We had Emily at twenty-one. We are a close family. We???re all we have. The rest of our family got out of this city by the time they graduated high school, but I have always stayed true to my roots. My parents were born here, raised here, fell in love here, and died here. I???m just a product of a beautiful love and now I have my own.
It was 5:30 in the evening. Emily didn???t have cheer practice today. She should???ve been home hours ago.
Emily just walked in the door when she suddenly started crying. She didn???t say anything; she just slowly walked to the table and sat down.
???She???s gone.???
???Baby, who???s gone? What???s wrong? Why are you late???? Emily has never been late. Even when she thinks she might be, she calls. Before she could respond, the phone rang.
???Hello,??? I spoke slowly.
Emily???s best friend was just reported missing.
???Emily, honey, you were supposed to take her home today. What happened????
???I told her to meet me by my car and I got there and didn???t see her. I saw a strange car leaving the parking lot. I???ve never seen it before. I tried to follow it, but it???s like it was trying to lose me. I went to Lisa???s house to see if she was there, but she wasn???t. I tried calling her, but it kept going to voicemail. Her mom couldn???t get a hold of her either,??? Emily spoke softly.
Brent walked in, taking his gloves off, and immediately asked what was wrong. I took him into another room and explained what happened.
For the next few hours, we all sat around waiting to see if Lisa would come home. Hours turned into days, days into weeks, and weeks into months. It was January first and they had shut down the search. Emily went to see a therapist twice a week and I sat back and tried to make things better.
???Mom, I???m going to go over to Michael???s house if that???s okay. It???s not snowing anymore and I just really want to get out of the house.???
Michael is her boyfriend. They???ve been together for a few months, and of course I can???t say no to her during all this pain.
???Drive careful, there still might be some ice on the roads. Call me when you get there. Be home by eight, and no later than that. It???ll be dark then, anyway. Tell him I said hello.??? I knew it only took her ten minutes to get to his house, but I wanted to make sure she was safe. She always called me no matter who she was with or where she was going. When twenty minutes passed, I started to worry. Even though I told her not to text or answer her phone when she drove, I called her. She didn???t answer. I called Michael???s home phone.
???Hello,??? I heard Michaels voice in the background.
???Hey, sorry to bother you but did Emily make it over there???? With my eyes closed and fingers crossed, I waited for the answer.
???Oh, I wasn???t aware she was coming over. Michael said they haven???t talked since this morning.???
I muttered a quick thank you before I hung up. I called her cell again, but still no answer. Emily has never lied to me and has never ignored my calls before. I called Brent even though he was at work. He picked up on the third ring.
???Calm down, ma???am. How long has it been since your daughter left???? Officer Vance was pacing back and forth in our living room. I sat there, numb, and waited for my husband to answer the question.
???Uh, she left around three this afternoon. I think.. Is that right Erin???? Brent pursed his lips and glared at me.
???Yeah, that???s correct. She left at three.??? I didn???t know what to think. My daughter lied to me and now no one can find her. Officer Vance was just asking for details when he should have a crew out there searching for my daughter. Brent, sensing the guilt in my eyes, came and sat down next to me, taking my hand in his.
Over the next hour we answered questions about how old Emily is, how tall she is, why she would???ve left, if we were having family problems, even if she could be a runaway. There???s a lot of things Emily is- strong, independent, beautiful, intelligent, but not a runaway. She was still getting over Lisa???s disappearance- ???Officer! What if this is somehow related to the Lisa Jennings case! What if the same psycho that took her took my daughter as well????
???We???re considering all possibilities, ma???am, but you shouldn???t jump to conclusions. It???s only six o??? clock now. Your daughter could walk in the door any minute. Until I can get a crew in the morning to work on this case, just get some sleep and hope for the best. Your daughter could very well still be alive and okay.???
???She could also very well be dead and not okay. You get your crew together tonight and look for her, officer. My daughter isn???t a runaway and she always answers her phone. Something???s wrong.??? Brent was grabbing his coat and walking out the door.
???You shouldn???t go out there yourself, sir. It???s dark and she might show up here. I???ll do what I can, but I need you to stay here and not put yourself in danger.???
Officer Vance left, and as soon as the door was closed, Brent turned around and sighed, ???Erin, I???m going to look for our daughter. Stay here, lock the door, and wait to see if she comes home.??? Before I could convince him to stay, he was gone. I walked over to lock the door. I knew I wouldn???t be able to sleep, so I locked the door and sat on the couch to watch a movie. The hours passed by and Brent was still gone at eleven.
Suddenly, I woke up to someone standing over me. I screamed, but it was then muffled by the hand over my mouth. ???Erin! Good lord! It???s just me. What are you trying to do, wake up the neighbors???? Brent abruptly appeared before my eyes. I took a deep breath and apologized for screaming; I told him I was just jumpy because of the situation. He told me it was about one in the morning and that he saw no signs of Emily. Exhausted, we both went to bed and tried to get the best sleep we could.
About the time we woke up, we got a call from the sheriff???s office. Officer Vance started the search for our daughter, completely surprised she hasn't already returned home.

Jessica
The introduction is a bit choppy and not flowing. The first paragraph should capture you and make you want to read more. You said the same thing within 5 sentences "This was home"

I think you have a good story line going but you should extend how their lifestyle is and more about the background. It's still a bit vague. Talk about what Emily's best friend looked like and how she was at school and their friendship.


I think if you add more details and make it more flowing with a good introduction, you're on a good start
110 years & 8 months ago 27th Mar 2014 09:46
 
  1. Soo I'm writing a story, ya know.
    27th Mar 2014 08:20
    10 years & 8 months ago