Every single one of you are brilliant.

No matter what has happened or is happening or will happen.
No matter what you look like or what things interest you.

As cheesy as it sounds and as common as it's said; you truly are a beautiful person.

I've learnt this the hard way. Now, this isn;t something looking for sympathy; more to just allow people to realise they are not alone.

When i was 12, i had a best friend. Her name was Shannon. She was 14, turning 15 at this time (2009) and she had very bad family problems. Although i was naive to it at the time, and didn't think twice about things; she struggled with self-harm badly. She gradually got worse. I did realise she was often sad and i tried to help her be happy. When she didn't turn up to school for weeks, her Mum told me Shan had been diagnosed with depression and wasn't feeling "up for school". When she turned 15, she killed herself. I won't go into details but it was a bad time for everyone. I went to her funeral. Her Mum ahd to explain to me how much Shannon was hurting before and what had happened. She reassured me she was much happier now. So then I started growing up.

moving on a few years, when I'm 15; my sister has left for Uni. In previous years I had been worried about her, finding diet pills and razors in her room. I had also seen a letter of donation for an eating disorder charity called Beat.
She came back for the Christmas holidays (which was a rare occassion as she has taken to cutting our family off as best she can, despite us being nothing but generous and loving to her. I had noticed she had cuts and scars along her left wrist. Note- cuts. Not just scarring so I know these were fairly new. I had waited until she left and told my parents.

My dad cried.

As i was now in my 3rd school and in Year 10, I grew more distressed with things. Although I had some good friends, i was only just being left into the world of teenagers where seemingly, everything hurt.
I suppose my parents had tried to keep me from this sort of thing, by being slightly over-protective. But I'm thankful for that.

By mid 15 I had met new people, and become more popular on Internet (sad, ik) with some friends who meant more to me than anyone else i new in real life. I made friends with a lot of welsh people and even met a cute guy.

After much persuasion from this cute boys friend, Jamz I had finally agreed to date John. We had lasted a nice while, being very content with our relationship. We skyped and video-chatted every night, and we rung each other often.
A little clingy, but in a good way. I grew very attached to him in a short time, after being friends for a long time. I had even had a half an hour chat with his mother, via skype. We sent each other little things that meant a lot to us with funny letters and cute drawing. We made a lot of memories together and even now a few phrases slip into our conversations. Needless to say, we broke up.
Not because we "grew out of eachother" or anything like that. But because I screwed up. Again, i won't go into details but it was my fault and I understand and accept it.
He ended up hating me, and I was pretty hard on myself. I wouldn't stop crying for hours everyday and refused to leave my room even to eat properly.
It all seems ridiculous now, and in someways it is. But he had been my first love. As silly and childish as it is, it's true.
We had slightly made up as friends a good few months later but that messed up and he told me to kill myself several times. By this time I had already started selfharming and this hadn't made matters any better. I got worse, and started harming more than my legs, where i could hide. It began at the top of my arms, and slowly worked their way down until about 3 inches away from my wrist. I took to constantly wearing hoodies and long shirts with jeans. He hadn't realised i self-harmed (which isn't an excuse but w.e) and he was indeed incredibly sorry about what he said, and even offered to travel up 4 hours to see if i was okay and say sorry to my face. I rejected his offer, despite still having strong feelings for him.

By this time i was diagnosed with "mild" depression, where my case wasn't strong enough for anti-depressants although something that need to be checked up on.

We didn't talk for a couple months after that, despite being on "okay" terms. I harmed less now, although I still did it regularly.
He sent me a message on Ask on Anon (I know it was him because of the response afterwards) about "what happened" between us. I had explained everything and because i had recieved a lot of 'questions' from his friends reminding me how it was my fault i began to rant. I began to tell him everything i was feeling, how much i had disliked him, and how i had been hurt. How i COULDN'T ever hate him no matter what and how i still loved him.
Things got awkward.
To make things worse, my friend Tom died. He also had depression, and over-dosed. Although I had newly become close to him (1 month) it was a painful experience. This was in the middle of my exam period and the stress of exams pushed me further downwards.

It's only in these few recent months that John and I started talking again, because i said sorry for "going psycho" on him. He said it was okay and that he knows he's changed but it's only so he could try to get over me.
This made me feel a little better knowing he wasn't "over" me either. Anyway. By this time i was taking steps to stop harming, doing all sorts of projects like The Butterfly Project, The Chain Project and all sorts. Occassionally on bad days i did continue to harm although I was doing much better. John and I talk on a regular basis now, as close friends again. We can joke and videochat without being awkward again.
More recently, i found something that has really helped me, in terms of recovery.
Something by bribry and luke, a couple of my favourite Youtubers. Something called #CutCakeNotWrists . This has been the most helpful thing for me during recovery. You may find other methods best.
In a separate blog, i will talk about recovery projects.

My Doctor tells me my mental health is getting better, and my checkups are less frequent. I am a lot happier now, although I still have bad days, as anyone does.
I've learnt to be able to speak to others about my problems. Although I never talk about such things with close friends or my parents, i do talk to my close Internet friends.

I have been doing the #CutCake project for several weeks now, and I have not relapsed.

I wanted to share this to let you guys know that if you're struggling with self-harm or depression, or ANYTHING; I am here for you, and so are most people. I won't lie, there will be some people who judge you. But the amount of people with open arms outweighs those who don't.
Even if you don't know me, or talk to me- I am here for you.

one more thing,
It gets better.