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Amandab8
  1. Chapter 1 - It wasn't me!
    23rd Dec 2010 09:33
    13 years, 11 months & 5 days ago
Chapter 1 - It wasn't me!
13 years, 11 months & 5 days ago
23rd Dec 2010 09:33

Thank-you for coming to my blog to see my story. This is the first chapter. I hope you enjoy it.

[center]It was too late. The police had found the golden watch in my school bag. The evidence was against me and I was the victim. Only, it wasn???t me. It was Pango, my best friend. Pango had recently moved from California and moved into London. He was only 5.3??? (which is short compared to me as I am 5.7???) and had huge glasses. His real name was Anthony but I called him Pango because his eyes were magnetised three times in those far-fetched glasses. But now, as he was sitting as a witness, a clever smirk hidden behind his shocked expression, he seemed such a fake. No, he really was a fake. His glasses were fake, his height, his idea to frame me was fake???but I was fooled.

???The accused is found guilty of murdering Mayor Tortimer and stealing his possessions. You are sentenced to seventeen years in jail,??? declared the court judge.

???Wait!??? I shouted just before the court hammer hit the table. ???Wait.???

The jury watched me intently, waiting for me to speak again.

???Your honour,??? I stated, ???Please give me???um???three days to get some evidence to prove my innocence.???

He looked at me with disdain and looked at the jury, asking for their opinion. They were clueless but Pango shot straight up.

???You can???t let that murderer out on the street!??? he shouted, frustrated. I admit, he was pretty good. Anyway, the jury, the audience and I started an uproar. Many arguments were thrown across the room. People in the audience (mainly Pango???s and my parents) were slapping each other.

???Order! Order in the court!??? bellowed the judge. The veins in his forehead popped out, his face bright red. He was banging the hammer ferociously and everyone fell silent. The judge calmed down and announced,

???Those of the jury who wish to grant permission to let the accused receive three days searching to prove themselves innocent, say aye.???

I looked round at them and they were staring at me. We stayed in that position for several minutes, daring one another to say something. Then, I mouthed a word, just a word. Mercy. A young man, about twenty-two years old, after seeing me say this, kept eye contact with me and stood up slowly. He then looked at the judge and said, ???Aye.???

Everyone then started murmuring and muttering and one by one, the jury started rising, all exclaiming ???AYE!???

Several hours later, I was on the street, police following my every move while I was on the look-out for clues to back me up. [/center]

A great starting for your story!
113 years, 11 months & 5 days ago 23rd Dec 2010 10:16
 
I have to leave in a minute, so I can't point out everything, but heres a couple pointers. Your writing is choppy, especially in the beginning- try using more complex sentences.
You have a number of grammar errors that you might want to check on.
So far your writing is creative, but you didn't exactly do a fact check on the part with the jury
113 years, 11 months & 5 days ago 23rd Dec 2010 10:15
 
  1. Chapter 1 - It wasn't me!
    23rd Dec 2010 09:33
    13 years, 11 months & 5 days ago