Random funny crap

1. Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.
2. What???s another word for synonym?
3. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
4. If Barbie is so popular, then why do we have to buy her friends?
5. What happens if you get scared half to death??? twice?
6. If you can???t repair the brakes, make the horn louder.
7. ???Everything has a purpose", she said for no reason at all.
8. I haven't lost my mind. It's backed up on a disc somewhere???
9. What is a "free gift?" Aren't gifts already free?
10. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
11. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
12. Before they invented "drawing boards" what did they go back to?
13. Chaos, panic & disorder...My work here is done.
14. Don't drink and drive, you might spill your drink.
15. Hard work never hurt anybody, but why even take the chance?
16. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, then I ain't going.
17. Fall in love? I'd rather fall in chocolate.
18. Friends don't set friends on fire.
19. ???Operator! Quick, give me the number for 911!!????
20. Canyouhelpmefixthespacebaronmykeyboard?
21. Whatdoesthatlongbaratthebottomofmykeyboarddo?
22. Never raise your hand to your kids; it leaves your lower half unprotected.
23. I wonder how deep the ocean would be, without sponges.
24. How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
25. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
26. It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say, and don't say it.
27. There are 3 types of people in this world- those who can count and those who can't.
28. Before you criticize someone- walk a mile in their shoes. That way if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away and barefoot.
29. I knew something was wrong when my imaginary friend wouldn't talk to me???
30. He broke my heart; I broke his PS2. Who do you think cried harder?
31. If you make something idiot-proof, He will make better idiots.
32. Life is not a Game.
33. I swear to drunk I'm not God.
34. Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
35. Humpty Dumpty was pushed!
36. Sticks and stones may... Oh, gosh he has a gun!
37. You say plz because it's shorter than please, I say no because it's shorter than yes.
38. The voices in my head are telling me that I'm not crazy!
39. You're just jealous that the voices are talking to me and not you.
40. My imaginary friend thinks you have some serious problems
41. I'm so rich, even the bags under my eyes are Gucci.
42. Of course I'm out my mind, it's dark and scary in there.
43. Don't hit kids, no seriously don???t, they have guns now.
44. I got a jar of dirt, I got a jar of dirt, and guess what's inside it?!!
45. We have enough youth. What we need is a fountain of SMART!
46. 100% of people who ate carrots in 1820 are now dead.
47. My mommy says I look cute with a FOR SALE sticker on my forehead....
48. When love fails, go shopping. You can always return what you don't want.
49. If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
50. Marahome 15000 mps, Bed 1200 mps, Rug 1000 mps. Keeping you busy with this siggie: PRICELESS
51. Just try to lick your elbow while I'm gone.
52. I'm walking my goldfish. Be right back.
53. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
54. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
55. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
56. He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.
57. Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
58. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
59. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
60. I like long walks, especially when taken by people who annoy me.
61. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
62. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
63. Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
64. Welcome to the ool...notice there's no P? Let???s keep it that way.
65. If a picture is worth a 1000 words, then why can't we judge a book by its cover?
66. Didn't I dissect you in biology class?
67. Eagles may soar high but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!
68. Paris Hilton died in a volcano. That???s Hot!
69. When life gives you lemons throw them back and scream for cupcakes.
70. Kids like dinosaurs...unfortunately dinosaurs also like kids.
71. I thought I found my knight in shining armor! Too bad he was just a dork in tin foil.
72. Elmo watches you when you sleep. Don't let him get you.
73. Report happies are to Spam boards as moths are to lights
74. A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a really good friend would sit next to you and say, "Wasn't that fun?"
75. Put this in your siggy if you've ever pushed a door that says pull.
76. I run with safety scissors.... It makes me feel dangerous
77. Don't tell me to get a life. I'm a gamer. I have TONS of lives.
78. I shall rule the world!! It will be a small world but it will be the world!!
79. Honey, if your going to be two-faced, then at least make one of them pretty.
80. Guess who's me at Paris Hilton's funeral:

81. NEVER say hi to your friend Jack on an airplane.
82. So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long, long journey.
83. I can resist everything except temptation.
84. Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
85. Sweetie, the only fan you have is the one on your ceiling. O.o Burn!
86. You need to learn not to interrupt me when I'm talking to myself.
87. I was standing in the park, wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer. Then it hit me.
88. I am a princess. I have class. Touch my crown, and I'll k.ick your butt.
89. I used to hate it when aunts and grandmas, came up to me at weddings and pinch my cheeks and say "You???re next" "You???re next". Well they stopped doing it when I started to do it to them at funerals.
90. Hey, just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
91. I'm not paranoid... but I know that you think I am.
92. If they say TV's so bad for you then why do they have one in every hospital room?
93. Rather be one in a million than one of a million.
94. Bow down to my queenly queenliness.
95. Someday, my prince will come...
96. Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
97. You laugh because I am different, I laugh because you are all the same.
98. A person who never made a mistake never made anything.
99. A Queen is never late; everyone else is simply early.
100.Stand up for what it right even if you're standing alone.
101. Why glow when you can shine?