"I love you"

A quick short drabble/letter that I wrote a year or two ago. Names changed to protect... myself... and... others...


To my dearest friend-

I love you. There is no denying it. I can???t; I???m not allowed to. But I love you, and I know it. I???ve tried to not love you, but it???s like trying to teach the child not to touch the pretty blue flame that dances and flickers with the desire to touch, to feel its soft kiss upon the skin. I just don???t get how I can love you this much, I really don???t. I haven???t known you for that long, and it???s not like we see each other all that often either. And I know that I can???t, that I have to stop. But something inside is not letting me avert these feelings, and until that happens, I know I won???t be able to stop wishing, to stop hoping for the impossibly wrong??? It???s wrong, and I know it??? and here I am, sinning like the weakling that I am, unable to shake this love I feel for you from my mind.

I don???t want to take you away from Sora, I don???t. My mind and heart are in agreement on that. But that doesn???t mean that part of me doesn???t wish that you weren???t with her to begin with, and for that reason, I hate myself. I hate myself for loving you this much. I can???t seem to help myself though. Every time I???m with you, my heart can???t help but flutter and skip a beat. I love you, I can???t stress that enough to you. But with you, it???s all about our friendship. Friendship is the only thing that you and I seem to be allowed to have, despite the fact that you know I love you. You???ve even admitted to me that you care about me; that you like me. But because of her, we can never be anything more than just friends. Especially if what she said about you wanting to marry her is true??? It???s times like this that I just don???t get you; that I don???t understand where you???re coming from. Every other time you and I talk about things, I understand, I comprehend where you???re coming from. But when this subject comes up, you???re a brick wall. You???re the stone-faced British Guard standing in front of the palace, guarding your inner thoughts and feelings without even a single flicker of emotion on your face??? Let me in, dear friend, please let me in. I sincerely want to understand you, to be able to know where you???re coming from on this. Can???t you see how much you mean to me?

I have been trying to not love you so much, dear friend, I really have. But every time I try to distance myself from you, you do something that makes me fall in love with you even more. When I told you when we went out to that Thai restaurant for lunch that one day that I was going to bow out of your life for fear of breaking you up with her, you made me fall in love with you again as you almost begged me not to go. When your legs were shaking and you couldn???t keep them still as you drove me back home, when you held me in your arms, when your eyes welled up with tears as you fought them back, when you gave me a special kiss (just like the ones I have always given to the friends I care about) on the forehead that made me nearly melt in your arms, you made me fall in love with you all over again??? And so now, despite my best efforts to leave things as they should be, you have got me wrapped around your little finger, whether you know it or not.

I can???t seem to be able to help this feeling that I have towards you, but I swear to you, I will fight until my dying day this desire to even have you hold me in your arms again. I don???t think that I ever really wanted to really do anything sexual with you, at least not for a few years, for sure. I think the farthest I can even picture us going would be a really long, passionate kiss, and even that is a bit of a strain to do. But even that is overstepping too many rules and boundaries. Even just a simple kiss is too much of something wrong??? ha, it seems so strange to say that love is wrong??? it seems almost wrong to say that it???s wrong, but I know that it is. Leave it to me to pick the one guy in all the worlds to love, and have him be already taken???

I just don???t know what to do anymore??? I really don???t??? Can we really be just friends Matt? Or will my love for you slowly tear me apart until I die of loneliness? Only time will tell, I suppose...

Love you more than life itself,

Mimi