MINE

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."

He who laughs last didn't get it.

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film

There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

You know the speed of light;so what is the speed of dark ?

What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."