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Never go to bed angry... stay up and plot your revenge.
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When life gives you lemons, throw them back and say you want oranges.
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If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, why try?
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I believe in free will - I have no choice.
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If I throw a stick will you go away?
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If a tree falls in a forest on a mime and no one is around, does he scream?
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I'm just a chocolate bar... sweet but half nuts!
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Do not follow in my footsteps. I walk into walls.
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Being stupid isn't a bad thing, you're just overdoing it.
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If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If olive oil is made of olives, then baby oil is made of... OMG!
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People who live in glass houses should dress in the basement.
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You have the Midas touch - everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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What was the greatest thing BEFORE sliced bread?
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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
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I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
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What's another word for thesaurus?
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A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
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What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
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I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
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All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
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They told me I was gullible. And I believed them.
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A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, First let me see the sandwich.
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Experience is the one thing you have left when everything else is gone.
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I had amnesia once. Or twice.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
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Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
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What if there were no hypothetical questions?
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One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
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How can there be self-help groups?
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Is there another word for synonym?
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Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
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Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
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Show me a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
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Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
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C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
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Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
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Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
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Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
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Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
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How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
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How does Teflon stick to the pan?
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How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
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I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
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I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
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I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
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I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
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I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If you lend someone 20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
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If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
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It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
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The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
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The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
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The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
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There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
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There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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What's the speed of dark?
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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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Why is abbreviation such a long word?
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Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
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You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
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You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
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My goal in life is to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
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To err is human; to moo, bovine.
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I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
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Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting.
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I laugh it off because they're stereotypical and absentminded children. c: ~PassionTwinkle
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1. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
2. It's not stupid, it's advanced (Purple Tallest - Invader Zim Ep1)
3. Why do most Looney Tunes have speech impediments? ~Changeling
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I was just scared, so I reposted. xD
This is a true story. A girl died in 1933. A man buried her when she was still alive. The murder chanted, "Toma Sota balcu," as he buried her. Now that you have read this chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this on your profile, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded.