These are hilarious!

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Never go to bed angry... stay up and plot your revenge.
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When life gives you lemons, throw them back and say you want oranges. (
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If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, why try?
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I believe in free will - I have no choice.
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If I throw a stick will you go away?
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If a tree falls in a forest on a mime and no one is around, does he scream?
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I'm just a chocolate bar... sweet but half nuts!
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Do not follow in my footsteps. I walk into walls.
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Being stupid isn't a bad thing, you're just overdoing it.
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If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If olive oil is made of olives, then baby oil is made of... OMG!
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People who live in glass houses should dress in the basement.
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You have the Midas touch - everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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What was the greatest thing BEFORE sliced bread?
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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
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I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
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What's another word for thesaurus?
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A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
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What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
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I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
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All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
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They told me I was gullible. And I believed them.
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A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, First let me see the sandwich.
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Experience is the one thing you have left when everything else is gone.
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I had amnesia once. Or twice.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
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Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
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What if there were no hypothetical questions?
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One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
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How can there be self-help groups?
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Is there another word for synonym?
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Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
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Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
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Show me a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
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Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
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C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
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Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
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Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
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Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
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Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
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How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
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How does Teflon stick to the pan?
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How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
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I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
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I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
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I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
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I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
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I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If you lend someone 20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
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If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
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It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
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The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
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The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
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The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
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There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
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There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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What's the speed of dark?
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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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Why is abbreviation such a long word?
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Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
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You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
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You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
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My goal in life is to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
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To err is human; to moo, bovine.
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I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
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Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting